Coping with Angry Feelings

I often hear clients say, “I know I shouldn’t feel this angry, but I do.” I think that it is important to clarify the messaging that anger itself is not a problem. It’s a human emotion. One that we all feel, and like all emotions, it carries information. Anger often shows up when something feels unfair, threatening, painful, or unheard. The goal isn’t to eliminate anger - it’s to learn how to listen to it without letting it take over. For an emotion to run its course, it needs to be expressed and validated.

Image credit: Holly Hatam Inc. @hollyhatamillustration

Imagine that anger is like the air fueling a fire, when you validate the feelings of anger, you slowly take the oxygen away from the flames. The anger will start to dissipate, and the symptoms will become less intense, just as the fire will go out without oxygen. Validating the anger will allow you to explore any underlying emotions that may be there (fear, shame, sadness). Here are some self-help strategies to cope with angry feelings in a more supportive way.

1. Normalize the Feeling (Without Judging It)

Many people have learned to associate anger as “bad,” “rude,” or “dangerous.” When we judge ourselves for feeling angry, the emotion tends to intensify or turn inward. Try using the skills of noticing the anger and responding with self-validation. Validation does not mean approval of harmful behavior - it means recognizing your inner experience honestly.

This could sound like:

 “I’m feeling angry right now.”

“That makes sense, given what happened.”

“I don’t have to act on this feeling to acknowledge it.”

2. Pause the Reaction, Not the Emotion

Anger can create a strong urge to react immediately - raise your voice, send the text, slam the door. Pausing gives your nervous system time to settle so you can respond, instead of reacting. Taking a pause is not suppressing anger, but rather you are giving yourself space to choose what happens next.

Helpful pauses include:

Taking 5 -10 slow, deep breaths

Stepping away from the situation briefly

Putting cold water on your wrists or face

Counting slowly to 10

Grounding yourself by naming things you can see, hear, or feel

3. Get Curious About What’s Underneath

Anger is often a secondary emotion. Typically, there are more vulnerable feelings underneath the surface, such as hurt, fear, disappointment, shame, or feeling ignored. These feelings can be more tender and there may be fear about expressing them to yourself or others. Becoming curious about your feelings takes practice and can transform anger from something explosive into something informative.

To get curious, you can ask yourself gently:

“What am I really upset about?”

“What feels threatened right now?”

“What do I need that I’m not getting?”

 4. Move the Energy Through Your Body

Anger is an activating emotion, it lives in the body, not just the mind. Physical movement can help release built-up tension safely. The goal is to move the energy through your body, and the movement can serve as a distraction or a helpful pause too.

Some healthy options:

Walking, running, or stretching

Hitting a pillow or squeezing a stress ball

Dancing to loud music

Doing push ups or jumping jacks

Shaking out your arms and legs

5. Express Anger in Contained, Safe Ways

Anger needs expression, keeping it inside is not helpful. It is important to express your anger in ways that do not harm yourself, others, or property. Sometimes a good first step is to express it alone through a reflective process. This might help you decide if you need more support or if talking to the person you are angry with makes sense.

Ideas for expressing anger:

Journaling uncensored thoughts (you don’t have to share them)

Writing a letter you never send

Talking it through with a therapist or trusted person

Using “I” statements when communicating, for example: “I felt hurt and angry when ___ because ___.”

6. Practice Self-Compassion After Angry Feelings

Many people feel shame after being angry, especially if they didn’t handle it well. Learning emotional regulation is a skill, not a character trait, and learning a new skill takes time and practice.

Try responding to yourself as you might towards a friend, perhaps saying:

“That was hard, and I’m still learning.”

“I can repair this.”

“One moment doesn’t define me.”

When to Get Extra Support

If anger feels overwhelming, explosive, or hurts you or someone else, it’s important to reach out for support. Therapy can help you understand the angry feelings and build tools that work for you. Anger is a signal - a messenger asking for attention, care, and sometimes change. It is an opportunity for growth, so that your response can be intentional, instead of automatic.

Resources:

Vancouver Island Crisis Line: https://www.vicrisis.ca/

Police Victim Services: https://www.gvpvs.org/ 

Canadian Mental Health Association: https://victoria.cmha.bc.ca/documents/feeling-angry/ 

You deserve space for all your emotions, even the uncomfortable ones,

Lisa xo