Boundaries
- Lisa Clarabut
- Jun 16
- 4 min read
Boundaries are a topic that come up frequently in counselling sessions and I’m excited to share this these ideas with you. Understanding your personal boundaries will help you to connect with what is important to you and why. I believe that knowing your boundaries and leaning into them is the ultimate form of self-care. I can speak from experience when I say this is a process and change does not happen overnight. This is a personal evolution, and your boundaries may change and grow over time, just as you do.
Something that I have been thinking about as I’ve been working on writing this blog is the idea of avoidance and how this might play into setting boundaries. I think that it is normal for all of us to want to avoid conflict and tension AND I also think it is important to voice your needs and boundaries. I do support the idea of avoiding in boundary setting when you have tried previously and there is no respectful communication regarding your boundary and the person continues to cross them. I also support people with setting boundaries if they are dealing with a situation where they feel emotionally and physically unsafe.
What are boundaries and why do we have them?
Boundaries are the limits we set to protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. They help us communicate our needs, values, and feelings to others, ensuring that our relationships are respectful, balanced, and supportive. I heard this analogy recently about the concept of boundaries as the fences around your emotional property. You get to decide who enters the property and what the acceptable guidelines are for interacting and participating with you. Without clear boundaries, we risk feeling overwhelmed, resentful, or misunderstood.
How do we know when someone has crossed our boundary?
I think the first step is noticing what is going on inside of yourself. Are you feeling activated or triggered? Has someone made a request of you? Perhaps you are unsure if you want to participate or have capacity to handle the request. This is a good opportunity to notice any feelings that may be coming up, such as annoyance, resentment, or anger. Tuning into these feelings can be a signal that something is not feeling right for you. It can also be helpful to check in with yourself about your values and your priorities.
How do we create and maintain boundaries for ourselves?
· Self-Reflection: Reflect on your needs, values, and limits. Ask yourself, “What am I comfortable with? What drains me?”
· Be Clear and Assertive: Communicate your boundaries honestly and respectfully. For example, “I need some alone time after work to recharge,” rather than assuming others will read your cues.
· Start Small: Practice setting boundaries in less challenging situations to build confidence.
· Be Consistent: Enforce your boundaries regularly. Consistency helps others understand and respect them.
· Manage Your Reaction: It’s normal to feel uncomfortable at first. Stay firm and remind yourself that boundaries are about caring for yourself.
· Review and Adjust: Boundaries can evolve. Regularly check in with yourself and adjust as needed.
· Remember: That with every request, we have 3 possible responses. You can say “yes”, “no”, or attempt to negotiate an option that works better for you.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
Healthy boundaries foster self-respect and mutual respect in relationships. They enable us to:
· Maintain our sense of identity
· Reduce stress and anxiety
· Prevent burnout
· Build trust and intimacy
· Make informed decisions about who we allow into our lives
Many people struggle with setting boundaries due to:
· Fear of rejection or conflict
· Guilt about prioritizing oneself
· Past experiences of boundary violations
· Cultural or family influences that discourage assertiveness
When Boundaries Are Crossed
If someone crosses your boundaries, step one is to check in with yourself about why you are feeling crossed then respond calmly and firmly. Reinforce your limits and, in some cases, it may be necessary to re-evaluate the relationship. Remember, that setting and maintain boundaries is a form of self-respect and essential for your well-being. Some examples for how to do this could be saying:
· “This is my decision, and I do not want to discuss it further.”
· “I am not open to talking about my decision anymore.”
· “This boundary is not up for negotiation.”
· “No.”
· “I do not have capacity for helping with that request right now.”
· “This is the healthiest choice for me, and I hope you can respect that.”
If the people in your life are not used to interacting with you and your boundaries, you may be faced with angry and unhelpful responses. Examples might include:
· Getting push back that looks like confusion- “What did I do wrong…?
· Reframing the narrative- “You’re being too sensitive…”
· Overwhelming you with affection/promises- “I promise I’ll change…”
· Guilt tactics- “I’m always there for you, so you should…”
When an individual is used to having unrestricted access to you, your boundary setting may be perceived by them as rejection. When this is what you are dealing with, it can be helpful to remember:
· Why you set the boundary in the first place.
· To keep your responses to a minimum. (“This is not up for discussion.”)
· That you may have feelings of grief and guilt come up.
· That you get to decide where the fence line is and who you allow into your emotional property
· That it is okay to seek support and perspective from people outside of the relationship dynamic
Here is an article and a podcast with more about the topic of boundaries:
This is a quick self-quiz about your boundaries:
As always, reach out if you have questions, comments, or are looking for more support with boundary setting,
Lisa
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