All About Communication

Even though I only work with individuals in my practice, communication and relationships are topics that come up all the time. There are skills that we can all benefit from learning and using which can help with communication in all types of relationships.

1. Communication Is More Than What You Say

When most people think of communication, they think of talking. But words are just one small part of the equation. Being mindful of tone, facial expressions, body language, timing, and even silence - can play a huge role in how your message is received. Planning to use a soft start up, like choosing a calm time to initiate a conversation and using “I” statements to explain your thoughts and feelings can really help.

2. Listening Isn’t Waiting to Speak

True listening is a skill, and it’s one that most of us weren’t taught. Real listening means being present - not planning your response while the other person is still talking, not jumping to solve or defend, but just being there. This is where paraphrasing and clarifying back to the person can help avoid miscommunication. Saying something like, “what I’m hearing you say is that you feel annoyed when…is that right?”. Another strategy to try is counting to 5 in your head before responding. This can help us slow down enough to pause and respond versus react.

Another helpful skill in communication is learning how to validate the person you are speaking with, so they feel understood by you. Read more on validation here:

https://lisaclarabutrcc.wixsite.com/counselling/post/the-art-of-validation

3. Conflict Isn’t the Enemy, Avoidance Is

Many people fear communication because they associate it with conflict. But conflict is a natural part of human relationships. What causes damage isn’t the disagreement itself - it’s how we handle it. Shutting down, avoiding, or using passive-aggressive tactics are all ways we attempt to manage discomfort, but they often lead to bigger issues down the road. Healthy communication allows space for disagreement, curiosity, and repair.

Sometimes we can get wrapped up in a story we are telling ourselves about what we think the other person is saying about us and this can lead to taking things personally. A tool I like to use (which I learned from author and researcher, Brene Brown) is saying to the person, “The story I’m telling myself is that you think I’m…”. This allows for the internal thoughts to be spoke out loud and gives the other person the chance to explain their perspective more accurately,

4. Communication Styles Are Learned, and Can Be Unlearned

Our upbringing, culture, and early relationships shape our communication style. For example, maybe you learned to stay quiet to keep the peace, or maybe you had to raise your voice to be heard. These patterns can become automatic. Therapy can help clients identify these patterns, learn new skills, and practice new ways of communicating.  

5. Boundaries Are a Form of Communication

Saying “no,” expressing needs, or asking for space are all healthy communication tools. Many people struggle with boundaries because they fear being seen as “selfish” or “difficult.” But setting boundaries is actually an act of respect - for yourself and for others. When we communicate clearly about our limits and expectations, we create safer, more authentic relationships.

For more on boundaries check this out: https://lisaclarabutrcc.wixsite.com/counselling/post/boundaries

Finally, I’m including this visual based on the research done by Dr.s Julie and John Gottman. They are the gurus of studying what makes relationships and communication successful and I highly recommend any of their videos and books. You can find out more about their research at: https://www.gottman.com/

 The Four Horsemen & Their Antidotes:

The four horsemen are behaviors that escalate conflict and damage a relationship. Over time, these harmful behaviors may become a normal part of communication between partners.	Antidotes are skills that replace each of the four horsemen. These skills help resolve conflict and encourage positive feelings between partners.
Four Horsemen	Antidotes
Criticism Dealing with problems through harsh, blaming, or hurtful expressions of judgment or disapproval. • Focus is on perceived personal flaws rather than changeable behaviors. • Often met with defensiveness. “This kitchen is a mess. You’re such a slob.”	Gentle Startup Dealing with problems in a calm and gentle way. The focus is on the problem—not the person. • Save the discussion for an appropriate time. • Use warm body language and tone of voice. • Use “I” statements. “I feel frustrated when dirty dishes are left in the sink. Could you please do the dishes tonight?”
Defensiveness Deflecting responsibility for your own mistakes and behaviors, or refusing to accept feedback. • Making excuses for behavior. • Shifting blame to your partner. “It isn't my fault I yelled. You were late, not me!”	Take Responsibility Own up to your behavior without blaming others. • Avoid taking feedback personally. • Use feedback as an opportunity to improve. • Show remorse and apologize. “I shouldn't have raised my voice. I’m sorry.”
Contempt Showing anger, disgust, or hostility toward your partner. • Using putdowns or insults. • Acting superior to your partner. • Using a mocking or sarcastic tone.	Share Fondness & Admiration Foster a healthy relationship by regularly showing each other respect and appreciation. • Show affection. • Recognize your partner’s strengths. • Give compliments.
Stonewalling Emotionally withdrawing, shutting down, or going silent during important discussions. • Often a response to feeling overwhelmed. • Used to avoid difficult discussions or problems. • Underlying problems go unresolved.	Use Self-Soothing Use relaxation techniques to calm down and stay present with your partner. • Agree to pause the conversation briefly. • Use deep breathing. • Use progressive muscle relaxation (PMR).

© 2021 Therapist Aid LLC Provided by TherapistAid.com

None of us are perfect at communication, we are going to make mistakes and get it wrong sometimes. What matters is the willingness to be honest, curious, and open to learning. Communication is like any other skill - the more you practice, and the more aware of your patterns you become, the better you get at listening and expressing yourself. Reach out if you want to connect more about this,

Lisa xo