How Can Parents Find Time to Just Be?

This is a throw back article that I wrote in 2016 for the Island Parent Magazine. I recently dug it up because I was talking with a client about the challenge of maintaining self-care as parents. This was my first attempt at writing something that other people would read; I hope you enjoy it. (Side note, my kids are now 12 and 27 years old!)

When I became a parent at 18 years old, I was lucky enough to have a supportive family that was able to help me be the best mom I could be. They allowed me to continue to live at home and helped out with childcare.  At the time, I knew how I was perceived by the outside world and as a young, single mom I faced the negative stereotype that came with my choices. I experienced the judgmental stares and inappropriate questions that were directed towards me. I decided that I was going to challenge the idea that I couldn’t be a loving, educated and dedicated parent just because I was young. So, I dove into parenting with everything I had - I read books, took parenting classes and learned about child development and behavior. When I wasn’t working or in school, I gave all of my time and attention to raising my son and our relationship.

So…why the full disclosure? Because I wanted you to know that I get it. I was a single parent for 8 years before I met my husband. I became a mom to my second child 4 years ago, and I then found myself parenting kids who were 15 years apart. My daughter is 4 and my son is now 19 years old. Given their age difference, my kids have very different needs and demands of me. Their developmental milestones are literally miles apart (as my daughter was learning to walk, her brother was learning how to drive)! With the demand of being many things to many people, the idea of putting myself first was not on my radar at all.  In fact, I think I let my focus be so much on parenting that I didn’t know how I would possibly take care of me. 

Being a parent (especially a single parent) can be exhausting. You have to be the chef, chauffer, money maker, bill payer, good cop, bad cop, entertainer, teacher and everything in between. Often, we are putting our kid’s needs first and so naturally our own needs fall to the bottom of the priority list. However, just because self-care falls to the bottom, doesn’t mean it should stay there. This became even more obvious to me as I started my career in counselling. The concept of self-care was drilled into me in my university classes, but I had never created the time or space for it. My family and the people I worked with were important to me, and I wanted to give them the best of me. I started to realize that this wouldn’t be possible if I wasn’t taking care of myself. And, eventually I started to feel it…I started to feel the effects of the many hats that I was wearing both in my professional and personal lives. Noticing how my health and well-being were affected was the gentle nudge I needed to make some changes in my life.

So…how does one do this when there can be barriers such as limited time, energy, and money??

Step 1 is coming to terms with the fact that you need and deserve time and attention as well. This can be a hard concept to convince ourselves of when we are already feeling exhausted and guilty. By making time for yourself, you are allowing yourself the breathing room to better yourself – which in turn benefits your kids. So, don’t beat yourself up about missing bedtime to go to your exercise class. Know that you are going to be a more relaxed and patient parent for having taken time for yourself. Filling yourself up will make it easier to be a more present parent.

Step 2 is recruiting your support team. This will look different for all of us, but could include hiring a babysitter, asking friends or family to help out, doing a babysitting exchange or signing up for a class or gym that has childminding. Or it could just be taking some ‘me time’ at home once the kids are in bed to watch your favorite T.V. show. For me, it’s become about being present in the little things such as enjoying an uninterrupted bath, sitting outside in the sunshine reading a book or exercising. It’s about finding what works for you to create balance in your life.

Step 3 is figuring out where your interests and passions lie. This can seem like a daunting task; you might be thinking that you have no idea what you would do if you had a spare moment to yourself. That’s ok, just start by imagining and daydreaming and asking yourself a few questions. What did you enjoy doing before you became a parent? What do you want to learn now? How can you enjoy spending your kid-free time? What can you do for yourself that recharges you? Do you need alone time or social time with friends?

The idea is to create the space in your life where you get to focus on you for a bit of time. By role modelling self-care, you are giving your kids the skills they will need to take care of themselves as they grow up. Whether you are a single parent or co-parenting, we all need a little time to just be.